I have been using EFT on all of these thoughts and feelings I’ve been having about Rob, as often as I can, and as soon as the feeling has been coming up. I am feeling much better overall, and even had some moments of Positive Expectation (whatever that is on the Emotional Guidance scale). It lasted for a while before the old feelings came back but wow, what a difference. I felt great. I still do. I have even stopped writing here to tap on fears cropping up, and will do before I settle in to sleep.
I’m not feeling any divine inspiration yet, but it will come very soon. My dreams lately have been feeling like I am squeezing through tunnels made of stone, or finding my way through partly collapsed buildings. I am also seeing the number 5, and lots upon lots of references to Dutch things (Rob is Dutch). And in places I’m not supposed to or expecting to see them. Dutch chocolate ice cream just about the tubs of vanilla when I went grocery shopping. Usernames having the word “Dutch” in them. Thinking about that Dutch client on Upwork from a couple weeks ago when I applied. Lovely oil paintings advertised on imgur featuring space themed things that I suddenly came across via imgur. It feels exciting. Like there is a large portal of possibilities opening at my feet and it is there, golden, swirling. Like some beautiful nebula of fairy dust and dreams. I want this feeling to continue.
I can’t think of anything else to add, so I will close this here with a picture of a nebula: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/qVgADgmtWzE/maxresdefault.jpg
Goodnight!
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
EFT Work Fodder Post
So I’m feeling pretty down the emotional scale tonight and will most likely use this post as fodder for some work. But I can’t get myself worked into that place where it hurts.
I did do some EFT this morning and it’s helped to reduce the intensity of some but not everything. This is going to be a yucky post to read. Sorry, future self.
*
It isn’t fair, at all. Why did Rob decide to abandon me like that? Is it because I’m broken? It honestly isn’t fair. I’ve been carrying myself around for months, hurting a lot, wanting the friendship back. I want the good times back. I want him back. I want to feel good about myself again. I want him to see what a good person I am at my heart, and not to be lying to the others about how much of a puece of shit I am.
I hate myself for being weak and frightened about this, all weak because I want the approval from some older boy who treats his friends shittily. I want him back anyway, even though the friendship was conditional, and horrid. I hate myself for the fear and panic I feel and the constant looking over my shoulder in the game. I hate myself for missing him, and missing the good times, and just wanting him back again. I have been missing him for months. Really missing him so mich it makes my stomach ache, but, yet, fear. Deep fear. And panic.
I want to scream at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me. How dare he hurt me, with conditional friendships and talking shit behind my back? I don’t care about that, I miss him. I hate myself for wanting to welcome him back with open arms. I have missed him. I have done much for him, and would have done much more for him had he asked. I gave him presents. I helped him. I played with him. And then he hurt Marie, and then he hurt me. I don’t care, I miss him. And I hurt so much and feel guilty when I would give everything up for him and more. He hurt Marie, and he hurt me, and as such, he deserved to be hurt.
Let’s be frank. I deserved to be hurt too. Piece of shit who loses friendships so easily. I hurt so much, I hurt a lot, and I just want this pain to end. It needs to end, so that I can actually feel good about myself for once, and stop hurting so much, all the time.
Oh yeah and while I’m at it, I’m a mentally ill, BPD riddled, piece of shit of a human being cunty cunt. Liar and untrustworthy human being.
*
I can so feel the hope here. Even though it feels hopeless right now, it doesn’t have to be this way. I think I’ve gotten most of everything here. Even the BPD cracks. I look forward to shiftng this stuff so that I can feel better.
I did do some EFT this morning and it’s helped to reduce the intensity of some but not everything. This is going to be a yucky post to read. Sorry, future self.
*
It isn’t fair, at all. Why did Rob decide to abandon me like that? Is it because I’m broken? It honestly isn’t fair. I’ve been carrying myself around for months, hurting a lot, wanting the friendship back. I want the good times back. I want him back. I want to feel good about myself again. I want him to see what a good person I am at my heart, and not to be lying to the others about how much of a puece of shit I am.
I hate myself for being weak and frightened about this, all weak because I want the approval from some older boy who treats his friends shittily. I want him back anyway, even though the friendship was conditional, and horrid. I hate myself for the fear and panic I feel and the constant looking over my shoulder in the game. I hate myself for missing him, and missing the good times, and just wanting him back again. I have been missing him for months. Really missing him so mich it makes my stomach ache, but, yet, fear. Deep fear. And panic.
I want to scream at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me. How dare he hurt me, with conditional friendships and talking shit behind my back? I don’t care about that, I miss him. I hate myself for wanting to welcome him back with open arms. I have missed him. I have done much for him, and would have done much more for him had he asked. I gave him presents. I helped him. I played with him. And then he hurt Marie, and then he hurt me. I don’t care, I miss him. And I hurt so much and feel guilty when I would give everything up for him and more. He hurt Marie, and he hurt me, and as such, he deserved to be hurt.
Let’s be frank. I deserved to be hurt too. Piece of shit who loses friendships so easily. I hurt so much, I hurt a lot, and I just want this pain to end. It needs to end, so that I can actually feel good about myself for once, and stop hurting so much, all the time.
Oh yeah and while I’m at it, I’m a mentally ill, BPD riddled, piece of shit of a human being cunty cunt. Liar and untrustworthy human being.
*
I can so feel the hope here. Even though it feels hopeless right now, it doesn’t have to be this way. I think I’ve gotten most of everything here. Even the BPD cracks. I look forward to shiftng this stuff so that I can feel better.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Appreciation-The Millionaire Scripting Thread
I was looking for help and tips the other day, about different ways to tell a new story, or to script a certain thing that I want to happen. Which is, well, I’d quite like to win the lottery.
And this thread popped up. http://www.abeforum.com/showthread.php?44838-The-Millionaire-Thread-Scripting-the-day-as-a-multi-multi-millionaire/page3
Some of these threads are so filled with joy and ease, that I can feel it as if I’m living it right there with them. Winner’s posts especially. She (he?) puts so much love and care into the posts, it almost feels as if I’m right there. They feel good to read, and more importantly, good to think about.
Perhaps this is the sign that I need to make my rich vibes feel more believable. I, too, want lovely scripts filled with gentle, easy to think about vibes. I want money to feel to me as natural as breathing. That would be lovely!
And this thread popped up. http://www.abeforum.com/showthread.php?44838-The-Millionaire-Thread-Scripting-the-day-as-a-multi-multi-millionaire/page3
Some of these threads are so filled with joy and ease, that I can feel it as if I’m living it right there with them. Winner’s posts especially. She (he?) puts so much love and care into the posts, it almost feels as if I’m right there. They feel good to read, and more importantly, good to think about.
Perhaps this is the sign that I need to make my rich vibes feel more believable. I, too, want lovely scripts filled with gentle, easy to think about vibes. I want money to feel to me as natural as breathing. That would be lovely!
Monday, December 25, 2017
Telling a New Story-I Believe in Christmas Magic
https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2016/12/27/636184642723290610-189581578_Christmas-Magic-HD-Wallpapers-6.jpg
I believe in Christmas magic, and in infinite possibilities.
Life is pretty good right now. I feel nice and warm after a nice relaxing bath. I can believe in the opportunity to change thoughts if I focus only a little bit. As a matter of fact I’ve been seeing that pick up a bit lately. I wanted to hear that song by Karen Carpenter about “The logs on the fire fill me with desire” at work, and a few hours later, I heard it on the radio. I wanted to have some loose leaf tea and a proper tea ball, and I got them at the Yankee Swap. I wanted to have more gifts to open. I received some at work-it was a pack of nuts, and a nice card from a coworker, which warmed my heart. Yes, I can believe in magic, since these little things are popping up here and there in my experience.
I may not have the large stuff, but I am appreciating the learning and the feeling towards what I want, that “fumbling towards ecstacy” that Sarah Mclachlan titled her album about. Hmm, it may not be ecstacy yet, but I am getting there. I appreciate that I know the Faster EFT technique.
Here’s a funny manifestation for you. I had been wanting to have a copy of Money and the Law of Attraction for a while now, and was feeling resistant to getting the torrented copy of the companion CD off the old white macbook so I could listen to it while I played on my white gaming PC (which in and of itself was a Christmas manifestation last year!) and was thinking that I would have to purchase a copy of the book too. I was putting away my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, which I was reading to help distract from a lot of resistance. I looked up at my bookshelf, and there it was. Money and the Law of Attraction. Laying on the top of my books on my “favorite books” bookshelf. I don’t remember when I purchased it. I knew it came around the same time I purchased Astonishing Power of Emotions, but I had forgotten about it!
I am feeling a liitle OotV, so I will end this here. It was good to be able to get into the vortex tonight, if even only for a moment, to find the less resistance thoughts and feelings. I went fairly general with Christmas. I love Christmas. I love that magic, I love that feeling. It would be very nice if I could get what I wanted with Rob, and winning that $368 million. But I have a little ways to go yet. I can EFT. I can write about this. Oh, yes, and stretch my writing muscles a bit too, which I have been wanting to exercise a lot too, as I read and enjoy learning about copywriting! I have been told to write every day, and read a lot. They never told me what to write about, so a personal journal that I olan on no one ever reading will work too, haha! Oh I popped back up into the Vortex talking about writing. It feels good to write. I enjoy it. I have missed it, and I am eagerly (yes, eagerly!) looking forward to do more. Who cares what my brain says that I’ll not be published. I already am the moment that I hit the publish button up above.
Goodnight.
I believe in Christmas magic, and in infinite possibilities.
Life is pretty good right now. I feel nice and warm after a nice relaxing bath. I can believe in the opportunity to change thoughts if I focus only a little bit. As a matter of fact I’ve been seeing that pick up a bit lately. I wanted to hear that song by Karen Carpenter about “The logs on the fire fill me with desire” at work, and a few hours later, I heard it on the radio. I wanted to have some loose leaf tea and a proper tea ball, and I got them at the Yankee Swap. I wanted to have more gifts to open. I received some at work-it was a pack of nuts, and a nice card from a coworker, which warmed my heart. Yes, I can believe in magic, since these little things are popping up here and there in my experience.
I may not have the large stuff, but I am appreciating the learning and the feeling towards what I want, that “fumbling towards ecstacy” that Sarah Mclachlan titled her album about. Hmm, it may not be ecstacy yet, but I am getting there. I appreciate that I know the Faster EFT technique.
Here’s a funny manifestation for you. I had been wanting to have a copy of Money and the Law of Attraction for a while now, and was feeling resistant to getting the torrented copy of the companion CD off the old white macbook so I could listen to it while I played on my white gaming PC (which in and of itself was a Christmas manifestation last year!) and was thinking that I would have to purchase a copy of the book too. I was putting away my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, which I was reading to help distract from a lot of resistance. I looked up at my bookshelf, and there it was. Money and the Law of Attraction. Laying on the top of my books on my “favorite books” bookshelf. I don’t remember when I purchased it. I knew it came around the same time I purchased Astonishing Power of Emotions, but I had forgotten about it!
I am feeling a liitle OotV, so I will end this here. It was good to be able to get into the vortex tonight, if even only for a moment, to find the less resistance thoughts and feelings. I went fairly general with Christmas. I love Christmas. I love that magic, I love that feeling. It would be very nice if I could get what I wanted with Rob, and winning that $368 million. But I have a little ways to go yet. I can EFT. I can write about this. Oh, yes, and stretch my writing muscles a bit too, which I have been wanting to exercise a lot too, as I read and enjoy learning about copywriting! I have been told to write every day, and read a lot. They never told me what to write about, so a personal journal that I olan on no one ever reading will work too, haha! Oh I popped back up into the Vortex talking about writing. It feels good to write. I enjoy it. I have missed it, and I am eagerly (yes, eagerly!) looking forward to do more. Who cares what my brain says that I’ll not be published. I already am the moment that I hit the publish button up above.
Goodnight.
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