EFT Work Fodder Post

So I’m feeling pretty down the emotional scale tonight and will most likely use this post as fodder for some work. But I can’t get myself worked into that place where it hurts.

I did do some EFT this morning and it’s helped to reduce the intensity of some but not everything. This is going to be a yucky post to read. Sorry, future self.

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It isn’t fair, at all. Why did Rob decide to abandon me like that? Is it because I’m broken? It honestly isn’t fair. I’ve been carrying myself around for months, hurting a lot, wanting the friendship back. I want the good times back. I want him back. I want to feel good about myself again. I want him to see what a good person I am at my heart, and not to be lying to the others about how much of a puece of shit I am.

I hate myself for being weak and frightened about this, all weak because I want the approval from some older boy who treats his friends shittily. I want him back anyway, even though the friendship was conditional, and horrid. I hate myself for the fear and panic I feel and the constant looking over my shoulder in the game. I hate myself for missing him, and missing the good times, and just wanting him back again. I have been missing him for months. Really missing him so mich it makes my stomach ache, but, yet, fear. Deep fear. And panic.

I want to scream at him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me. How dare he hurt me, with conditional friendships and talking shit behind my back? I don’t care about that, I miss him. I hate myself for wanting to welcome him back with open arms. I have missed him. I have done much for him, and would have done much more for him had he asked. I gave him presents. I helped him. I played with him. And then he hurt Marie, and then he hurt me. I don’t care, I miss him. And I hurt so much and feel guilty when I would give everything up for him and more. He hurt Marie, and he hurt me, and as such, he deserved to be hurt.

Let’s be frank. I deserved to be hurt too. Piece of shit who loses friendships so easily. I hurt so much, I hurt a lot, and I just want this pain to end. It needs to end, so that I can actually feel good about myself for once, and stop hurting so much, all the time.

Oh yeah and while I’m at it, I’m a mentally ill, BPD riddled, piece of shit of a human being cunty cunt. Liar and untrustworthy human being.

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I can so feel the hope here. Even though it feels hopeless right now, it doesn’t have to be this way. I think I’ve gotten most of everything here. Even the BPD cracks. I look forward to shiftng this stuff so that I can feel better.